Are You “Pretending,” Just So That Others Will Like You? Here’s My Story…

Have you ever found yourself pretending to be someone you’re not in front of someone you wanted to impress, only to have it backfire on you in the end?

 

Are You Pretending so others like you?

So often, we pretend to be someone we’re not around people whose approval we crave, instead of being authentic.

We may stifle our true feelings, and not express ourselves fully, in order to gain love, respect or acceptance from friends, family, colleagues or clients — and sometimes, even total strangers.

Have you ever found yourself pretending to be someone you’re not in front of someone you wanted to impress, only to have it backfire on you in the end?

I know I’ve certainly experienced this in my own life…

How not being authentic worked against me

I was forty-four years old, and divorced after 26 years of marriage. It was Valentine’s Day, and I had just agreed to marry a wonderful man.

His two children from his previous relationship were NOT happy about the news of our engagement.

“Congratulations,” his 11 year-old, Michael, said. “Just don’t expect me to come to the wedding.”

His reaction was an unpleasant surprise to his father and me.

I understood that Michael, in particular, wasn’t exactly thrilled about us deciding to mesh our lives together, but…

I figured that time and love would turn things around, and so I married his father

After I got married, I continued to make a dedicated effort to win Michael’s acceptance and affection.

I continued to be very kind and sweet to this child, despite his disinterest in getting to know me.

And, even though I’m a very happy and positive person by my very nature, I do have moments when I feel tired or just plain challenged by something that’s going on, just like everyone else… moments where I may not feel like smiling.

But no matter how I was feeling in the moment, when Michael would walk into a room I was in, I’d always make sure I had a big smile on my face to try and make him feel welcome and comfortable — so much so that, sometimes, my face would hurt by the end of the day!

Pretending to be someone other than who you are only broadens the distance between yourself and the person you’re trying to establish closeness with.

 Get access NOW to my “Stronger than Circumstances” FREE eBook and learn how to overcome fear, limitations and procrastination to stop pretending and start achieving  your dreams!

I also ignored certain behaviors that were actually starting to drive me nuts on the inside…

Even though I’d never let my own children get away with some of the things that Michael was doing, I thought that by allowing him room to do his thing, he’d eventually warm up to me.

On some level, I didn’t want to rock the boat.

But, by always putting on a smiling face and not expressing how I really felt, I was being inauthentic.

I was trying so hard to make Michael happy, to mesh our families together and to create harmony in our home, that I was actually beginning to lose sight of who I was.

And, despite it all, Michael STILL wasn’t interested in letting me in and allowing me to get close to him.

Eventually, we hit the breaking point

One day, a few months after I’d married his father, Michael called me from a local arcade saying he needed a ride home.

A friend’s parent had offered to drive him home a few hours earlier, but he’d decided he wanted to stay and hang out longer. He figured he’d just call me to come and get him when he was ready.

It was already quite late in the evening. By the time I’d have driven to the arcade to pick him up, and gotten back to our house, it would’ve been well after midnight.

Michael was well aware that I had to get up at 4:00 a.m. to get to an engagement I had booked the next day.

I’d had a long day and I was already very tired. And, getting this last minute call so late in the evening, I became grouchy… so grouchy, in fact, that for the first time since Michael had came into my life, I just couldn’t hide my irritation from him anymore.

“How could you?!” I said to him over the phone

“Michael, you know I have to be up at 4am tomorrow morning. How could you be so inconsiderate and only think of yourself?”

After a brief pause of silence, Michael said, “Who are you, and what have you done with Mary?”

He’d never experienced me lose my temper before! The Mary he’d come to know had seemed too good to be true. And the fact is, she was!

All the time that I’d been trying to be who I thought he wanted me to be, who I thought I NEEDED to be to win his approval and affection, I was pretending. I wasn’t being my authentic self.

To make him like me, I’d turned myself into what I thought he wanted and needed: “Mother Nice” instead of Mary.

On the drive over to pick him up, I decided that enough was enough

Be Authentic: Pretending to be someone other than who you are only broadens the distance between yourself and the person you’re trying to establish closeness with.

I realized in that moment just how inauthentic I’d been, and I asked myself:

“Who are you, Mary, and who do you really want to be with Michael?”

Did I want to continue pretending to be someone I thought he wanted, or did I want to have a genuine, authentic life… and an authentic relationship with each of the people in it?

When I arrived and Michael got into the car, I laid everything out on the table.

I said, “Michael, here’s the truth… I really care about you, but I’ve been trying so hard to get you to like me that I haven’t been REAL with you. I haven’t been being my authentic self. And this isn’t your fault, it’s mine.”

I apologized to him for hiding when I was upset in the past, which had led to some built up resentment. I told him that in the future, I would be honest with him about how I was feeling, but that he could still always count on me to treat him with love and respect.

This didn’t change our relationship overnight, but it was a turning point for us.

The first Christmas we spent as a new family, Michael came up to me with his arms behind his back and said, “I have a Christmas gift for you.”

“Ok, what is it?” I said to him.

And Michael replied, “I want to start calling you ‘Mom’.”

This would never have happened if I had kept up the pretense of being “Mother Nice.”

I deeply wanted to love Michael and I wanted him to love me.

But if I couldn’t be honest with him about who I was and what I was thinking and feeling about the way he was behaving at times… what chance did we have?

Being someone other than WHO YOU REALLY ARE is not sustainable

Pretending to be someone other than who you are only broadens the distance between yourself and the person you’re trying to establish closeness with.

Almost all human beings get grouchy, irritable and lose their patience at times. This is just part of the human experience!

Just keep in mind that you don’t always have to hide that this is how you feel.

You build REAL closeness with others through showing your true self, sharing your vulnerabilities and communicating how you really feel about things.

And, if you make a mess communicating your feelings, just as I did with Michael that night, remember that you can always go back and clean it up later.

It’s never too late to step into your true, authentic self.

For more proven, step-by-step strategies on how to overcome fear, procrastination and limitations in order to create a life you truly love living, click here to download a FREE copy of my Stronger Than Circumstances ebook.

3 Ways to Overcome Fear, Limitations and Procrastination to Achieve Your Dreams and Goals. Practice being authentic

By Mary

Summary
Article Name
Are You
Description
Trying to be someone else broadens the distance between yourself and the person you want to establish closeness with. Learn how to practice being authentic.
Author
Publisher Name
Life SOULutions That Work
Categories: Mindset, Success

Comments (5)

  • Marci porrata

    This is a great story…Being honest about you are opens life.

  • Thanks for the story. I needed some Alanon.

  • Cheryl Sibson

    Mary,

    Having to forgive the unthinkable here,I have been struggling with with my step mother. she switched from ignoring to pretending to make it ok for years my Dad’s drinking problems. When my Dad took the right to die in dignity shot last Sunday, when he had his last battle with bowel cancer, his last words were if you have to cry, leave the room, when in actual fact he’s leaving us? Nobody left the room. Judy had done the best she could with my dad. She’s a former social worker who endured a lot, and her first husband died of brain tumors as well. She did the best she could. I really don’t know what more can I say. Nobody can replace my Mom, And now my Dad is with my Mom. She died in 1996 of four brain tumors and lung cancer. I have this image the last few days, of my dad laughing very hard like a bowel full of laughter, so that’s a good thing.I asked him to let us know if he made it there? So that’s the image I am left with, he’s in a happier place, so that’s a great thing.

    take care Mary, Cheryl Sibson

  • Pretending does a disservice to one’s self. You may pretend and suppress your true self for so long you forget who she is. Pretending does a disservice to the other person. They don’t have the opportunity to learn and grow. And pretending does a disservice to the relationship itself. It can become stifled and awkward. Thanks for sharing!

  • Beverley Farnworth

    This could be my life you are describing! Somewhere in my life I decided I was secondary to – my husband, then my own children(2) then my stepchildren(4) then the ex-wife! It has taken a lot of self discovery and disappointments for me to realize that “I am important and my wellbeing is just as important to everyone else. My family is battling with my new found discovery – especially my youngest son and we are having a lot of “clashes”. But I am now so confident within myself that I am sure we will work it out so long as J stay true to MYSELF. Sometimes I still find myself apologizing to him. Just got to break that habit then I am sure we will develop a healthy loving relationship.

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